T H E H O B B I T : A N U N E X P E C T E D C A M E O
In Three Parts.
INT. The DREAD FATHER OF ALL GAZEBOS, a graceful stone structure within the great elven outpost of RIVENDELL. It is in these august confines that the COUNCIL OF INTERMINABLE FORESHADOWING meets. Elrond leads the way inside; Gandalf reluctantly follows.
Gandalf: Elrond? You must know this is all completely pointless. With or without our help, the dwarves will march on the mountain. I don't think Dwarfy McBroodhard answers to you, and I'm damned sure I don't answer to you.
Galadriel, Lady of the Golden Wood of L'Oréal: Maybe not to Elrond, but behold, Gandalf: I am in this movie! I see you are surprised. Is it so out of the ordinary to see me away from the ever-shiny glades of L'Oréal?
Gandalf: It's not that, I'm just gobsmacked there's an actual female character in this film.
Saruman the White steps forth from the shadows, where he has been hiding for no discernible reason.
Saruman the White: Behold, Gandalf: I am also in this movie!
Gandalf: Oh, come on. Either you're just returning from the Restroom of Shadows, or you have to admit that whole entrance was for cheap drama.
Galadriel of L'Oréal: Look, the important thing is that we're all here now. I hereby call this meeting of the Council of Interminable Foreshadowing to order! First off, though, you'll notice we ran into some trouble with the rest of the membership. Círdan is getting his beard surgically removed, so he couldn't come. Celeborn I had to leave home. All that slow, majestic parading in the land of L'Oréal has gradually cost him his ability to blink. I mean, I myself am not as.. capable of limb articulation... as I was just five thousand years ago. Hell, for all intents and purposes I'm a Vorlon now. As for Glorfindel, we're not actually sure he even exists in these movies.
Gandalf: Right. Radagast couldn't make it, either, on account of getting chased by monsters. Hah. But he did give me this incredibly important plot item that suggests some new, unfathomable evil is menacing us. And before you ask, yes, this dragon thing has long been on my mind. We need it smoked, and we need somebody like Thorin to do the dirty work for us. It's a dangerous critter, folks. It's a cyclopean, fire-breathing monstrosity that can...
Saruman: ...kill people with its very breath. Yes, you've told us. I think "fire-breathing" communicates the gist of it. But you're worrying for nothing, Gandalf. Sauron is pushing daisies, and not a single other danger, big or small, fathomable or unfathomable, could conceivably get me off my wizardly behind ever again. So there. Besides, whatever LSD Smurf over in his forest hut thinks, we're not facing some sort of... what does he think we're facing, anyway?
Gandalf: Well, his theory is that all this Random Encounter bullcrap that had nothing to do with anything in the book is actually about Benedict Cumberbatch living in Dol Guldur.
Saruman: Wow. I could physically feel an IQ point wither away just from listening to that. Look, your plot item is indeed shiny, but I can't spend all day setting up plot points for future movies. You suck and your theory sucks. Now what do we do with the dwarves? You've brought us more than a decent-sized clown car's worth, and the imbeciles want to poke a dragon awake. Clearly we must stop them.
The Elf Rhymenoceros: MY LORD, THE DWARVES HAVE VERY SLOWLY WALKED OUT OF THE COMPLETELY UNGUARDED FRONT GATES.
Elrond: Curses. If only we had thought of that possibility. Guys, how exactly did we think to stop them, anyway?
The Elf Rhymenoceros: If we only had horses or something, I suppose we could just try to catch them. Ask them nicely not to go.
Elrond: Oh, shut up.
Galadriel of L'Oréal: One more thing, Mithrandir. Why the halfling?
Gandalf: I don't know. Saruman believes that only great power can hold evil in check. But that is not what I've found. I've found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keep the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love. Why Arthur Dent Baggins? Perhaps it is because I am afraid, and he gives me courage.
Galadriel of L'Oréal: Hang on a second. You've pressured a helpless, defenceless hobbit into following you on what is almost certainly a suicide quest, forcing him to endure crippling self-doubt and the undisguised disdain of his companions along the way, because you theorised it might make you feel better. Wow. That is... that is possibly the most callous thing you've done all week. Why do people keep putting you in charge of these things?
Gandalf: Oh, stuff it, Queen Bessie. It's my preposterous quest, and I can have as many hobbits as I like. You know what? Next time around I'll bring three or four, just to troll you and Saruman. Then we'll see who's "callous!" Now if you'll excuse me, I have to catch up with my army of dragon-slaying dwarves before they get captured by some trivial secondary villain again.
Galadriel of L'Oréal: Ugh. Alright, sheesh. Have your quest. It's probably not such a bad idea, anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you're not alone, Grey Wanderer. If you should ever need my help, I shall come.
Gandalf: Oh. Why, that's very nice of you.
Galadriel of L'Oréal: Unless, of course, you have to fight an entire underground city of goblins, or are dangling off a giant cliff, menaced by orcs. If any of that happens, then no, you're hosed.
EXT. THE MISTY MOUNTAINS, COLD. The Largely Interchangeable Dwarves are following a narrow trail along the mountain-side, trying to avoid a DREADFUL DROP into a DIM VALLEY below. Suddenly, there is a CLATTER OF DICE -- and they run into STONE GIANTS who are ripping the mountain apart, obviously engaged in a serious bout of MORTAL KOMBAT.
Dwarf #204: Bless me, the legends are true! Stone Giants!
Balin: How exactly are Stone Giants shrouded in obscurity, anyway? We're not that far from Rivendell, and these colossal, hundred-foot-tall stone abominations are tearing down bits of geography with their bare hands. I mean, they're not exactly Gorillas in The fricking Mist, are they?
Dwarf #5: Maybe they're nocturnal.
With some significant difficulty, the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves flee from the STONE GIANTS into a nearby cave. They almost lose Arthur Dent Baggins on the way, but Thorin rescues him at the last minute.
INT. RIDICULOUSLY ELABORATELY RIGGED MOUNTAIN CAVE. It is cold and dark. The Largely Interchangeable Dwarves take a well-earned breather. Dwarf #204 gets the first watch as a reward for spotting the stealthy STONE GIANTS, the shiest and most inconspicuous of all nature's creatures.
Thorin: Baggins, I just wanted you to know that you being here is pointless, and that you're already dead to me. G'night.
Arthur Dent Baggins: Okay, that does it. Dwarf #204, I'm officially out. I can't take the constant berating. I can't take the danger. And I can't take the fact that I'm supposed to be the main character, even though this movie has long since turned into the Gandalf And Thorin Argue Constantly Over Petty Bullshit Show. I'm so going back to Rivendell.
Dwarf #204: You're going back to Rivendell, right past the Stone Giants, even though we know that area could be crawling with orcs? Which, Gandalf says, are specifically looking for us? And you're going to do all this alone?
Arthur Dent Baggins: ... so I'm not a master strategist. Sue me. Point is, unlike you lot I'm a property-owning hobbit, and I've got a very pastoral English country lifestyle to lead. So if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to gather my inventory and vamoose noAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
The RIDICULOUSLY ELABORATELY RIGGED MOUNTAIN CAVE opens up as Arthur Dent Baggins speaks, sending him and the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves careening into darkness.
INT. A MOUNTAIN ABYSS of darkness and death. Luckily, they all roll incredibly well on the FALLING DAMAGE TABLE, and, defying every possible law of nature, suffer absolutely no SERIOUS INJURIES whatsoever. Their fall terminates in a (CLATTER OF DICE) GOBLIN CAGE; Arthur Dent Baggins is lost in the fray, but the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves soon find themselves captives of Dame Edna, Goblin King and his SUBTERRANEAN CIVILISATION OF CARTOON PEOPLE.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: So, who the hell are these guys?
Goblin Bob: Dwarves, Your Malevolence.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: Dwarves?
Goblin Bob: Yes, dwarves, Your Malevolence. We found them on the front porch. Which, apropos, is something I've wanted to talk to you about. First of all, our "front porch" is a ridiculous Rube Goldberg device that sends people falling down fathomless distances and collapses the cave every single time it does so. We dislike using it as a main entrance, Your Malevolence. It's inconvenient and tends to kill us. Second of all, when you told us you wanted to be called "Your Malevolence", we only agreed because we didn't think you'd actually build the fucking thing.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: We can discuss our wildly implausible architectural policies later. First we must interrogate the Lollipop Guild. Bring out the Mangler! Bring out the Bone Breaker! Bring out every menacingly capitalised item we have in stock! And then we'll have a huge sing-along, disrupting the mood of the scene, and casting doubt into the hearts of the audience about whether we're an actual menace or not! Haha!
Thorin: ... what is wrong with your face?
Dame Edna, Goblin King: Well, bugger me, it's Chief Short-Arse in all his mopey glory. How nice. I'm going to have so much fun mocking you. Goblin Bob, we're going to have to drop a line to the Incredible Albino Hulk about this. He will pay us well in partially-gnawed orc bones and other such precious orc exports. Also, I want a detachment of our most ineffectual guards posted around the torture perimeter, stat!
Thorin: ... no, seriously, what is wrong with your face?
INT. A dark and winding CAVERN PASSAGE, opening up to an UNDERGROUND LAKE. Arthur Dent Baggins slowly regains consciousness. As he begins making sense of his surroundings, he discovers a HEAVY GOLD RING, which he pockets. Meanwhile, we observe ANDY SERKIS WINNING ANOTHER AWARD as Gollum methodically and bone-chillingly slaughters an incapacitated goblin, singing merrily as he does so. The AUDIENCE cheers wildly.
Arthur Dent Baggins: Okay, Arthur, be polite. Just give your name and address to the murderous naked troglodyte. I'm absolutely sure that will never come back to bite you in any shape or form. Hey, you there! I'm Arthur Dent Baggins, from the Shire. BAGGINS. From the SHIRE. I need to get out of here. Can you help me?
Gollum: A Bagginses! And it wants out! Why does it want out, Precious? Can't we eats it instead? Can't we? We could practice ethical cannibalism, yesss, we'd recycle! We'd make little toolses out of the Bagginses' bones, and dance hideousssly about its discarded carcass! And it has pocketses. Dirty, nastyy pocketses. We will research this new pocketses technology, for Precious.
Arthur Dent Baggins: I can see this is going to go just swimmingly. Ahem. Avast, cave goth, I hereby challenge you to a random game of riddles in concordance with the Holy Tradition of All Children's Stories Fucking Ever. If I win, you must lead me out of here. By the power of the Brothers Grimm do I so compel thee, small evil creature.
Gollum: Awww, we don't wants any of this time-wasting Rumpelstiltskin tosh, no! We wants to eats the Bagginses already. But traditions is traditions. Ask us a riddle, then.
Arthur Dent Baggins: Err. Ahem. What do I have in my pocket?
Gollum: Hsss! It does not play fair. Riddleses is game of presenting puzzle through metaphorical language. Bagginses' formulation offers sssimple question instead, repudiating implicit structure of game by denying usss reasonable intellectual avenue to solution! Gollum! Gollum! We eats it now, Precious! We gnaws its flesh to the bone!
Arthur Dent Baggins: ... I'm somewhat willing to admit I should've seen this coming.
Arthur Dent Baggins flees for his life into the CAVERN PASSAGE, pursued by an angry Gollum.
INT. The MOUNTAIN ABYSS. Rather than interrogating the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves, the Goblins have decided to just sing about it for several hours. This is NOT VERY CLEVER. Suddenly there is a sound like a CRASH OF THUNDER; the stone walls SHATTER as Gandalf walks in, fearsome and haloed in the majesty of his wizardry.
Gandalf: If any of you discount muppets start singing David Bowie, I swear I will end you all.
The Goblins fall back, astounded. Their CROONING-BASED PSYCHOLOGICAL TORTURE has left the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves physically intact; they seize their weapons, which the Goblins have ingeniously stored about five feet away, and start swinging. Everyone is immediately engulfed in a confusing and exceptionally bloody mêlée.
Gandalf: Scarper, people! Scarper!
As our heroes make their escape, Gandalf comes face to face with Dame Edna, Goblin King himself.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: A-ha! What are you going to do now, wizard?
Gandalf casually guts Dame Edna, Goblin King with his magical elven sword.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: That'll do it!
Gandalf: A wise-crack. Really?
Dame Edna, Goblin King: Okay, this... hurts more than I thought it would. Argh!
Gandalf: We've killed a good half of your people, and I've just literally cut you open with Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, an ancient terror of said people. You respond with a one-liner. You are playing your own death for laughs. That's astonishing to me. It truly is.
Dame Edna, Goblin King: Oh Jesus it's getting kinda dark. It hurts. It hurts so.
Gandalf: I knew this movie had trouble setting a tone, but damn, that's cold. I can't believe it. I mean, this sword just by itself should elicit... by the way, it occurs to me that this isn't a "hammer" at all, is it? I can't imagine why they'd call this a "hammer".
Dame Edna, Goblin King: hhhrk *cough* grrlk hrk
Gandalf: I'm just saying, maybe you should've spent less time singing.
Gandalf joins the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves as they make their daring escape, wading through entire hills of severed GOBLIN BODY PARTS. Their daring escape also involves FALLING FROM A GREAT HEIGHT; luckily, they all roll incredibly well on the FALLING DAMAGE TABLE, and thus, defying every possible law of nature, suffer absolutely no SERIOUS INJURIES whatsoever.
Balin: Guys, we need to cut it out with this tumble-and-fall crap. We're officially spending more time on our asses than Frodo.
INT. The dark and winding CAVERN PASSAGE. Arthur Dent Baggins, after a long chase, is now wearing the ONE RING. He has duly turned invisible and finds himself brandishing the SHORT STRONG SWORD over Gollum's unsuspecting head. He weighs his options.
Arthur Dent Baggins: I should kill him... but... can my sword even cut CGI this powerful? Would the audience ever forgive me? And what if he has family or friends, a freaky race of Mole People to back him up? What if I kill this guy, and Dobby the House Elf comes after me for revenge? No, I'd better not do it. Wait a minute, is that Gandalf and the dwarves?
Gandalf and the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves run by. Arthur Dent Baggins runs right over Gollum to join them.
EXT. TREE-COVERED MOUNTAIN-SIDE. The SUN is setting; it is almost NIGHT-TIME again. Out of breath and completely covered in GOBLIN BLOOD, the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves stumble into the last gleaming of sunlight. They run, and take cover in the woods. Wiping gore off his cloak, Gandalf decides to take a head-count.
Gandalf: Where's the hobbit?
Arthur Dent Baggins: Here I am. Visible and all. I've escaped the goblins, and there's nothing suspicious about it.
Gandalf: ... I will accept that absurd explanation, no questions asked, and no comment offered, if you agree never to bring up my whole "True courage is sparing lives rather than taking them" spiel ever again.
Arthur Dent Baggins: Deal.
Dwarf #13: AAAH! WARGS! DOZENS OF QUESTIONABLY-ANIMATED CARTOON WARGS! AND ORCS! LOTS OF ORCS!
Gandalf: Oh, for the love of... I swear this movie has more fleeing and escaping in it than bloody Blues Brothers. You know the drill, gentlemen. Scarper!
They RUN AWAY from the Orcs and Wargs; as they do, the SUN SETS to indicate that shit is hitting the fan. After a protracted chase, our protagonists hit a dead end -- a MASSIVE CLIFF blocks their way. They are compelled to seek refuge by climbing into some VERY TALL TREES.
Dwarf #4: They're still coming! And now we're trapped in these trees!
Gandalf: Attention, orcs! Cease and desist your rampant douchery, or I will go Captain Planet on your asses. I am not kidding.
Gandalf lights up a pinecone. Thanks to the Wargs, some of the trees begin crashing upon each other, forcing the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves to relocate from one falling tree to the other. We see The Incredible Albino Hulk approaching. He is mounted on his pale Warg, Fido. From the look in Thorin's eyes, it is clear the dwarf is less than pleased with this new and exciting state of affairs.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: Thorin, son of Thráin! For many years now, all the other orc chiefs have called me "Claw Guy" at the horde Christmas parties, and it's your goddamned fault for chopping my hand off! Vengeance will be mine! Get down here this instant so I can kill you personally!
Orcs: *menace, menace*
Gandalf: Right. You asked for it. FIRE!
Many of the Largely Interchangeable Dwarves are now in some severe danger of falling off the cliff. But suddenly the Orcs and Wargs are driven back by blasts of white, all-consuming fire, as Gandalf carpet-bombs the entire area with NAPALM PINECONES FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL.
Gandalf: BOOYAH. Servant of the Fire Imperishable, mofos!
Deciding he has had enough of this nonsense, Thorin throws a DWARVEN TEMPER TANTRUM, going completely BATSHIT INSANE. Taken over by his own pure badassitude, he climbs down and commences a POWER-WALK towards his hated Nemesis, The Incredible Albino Hulk.
Thorin: Wanna see what I learned from 300?
Thorin activates his astounding SLOW-MOTION SUPERPOWERS.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: Impressive! But I have some superpowers of my own!
The Incredible Albino Hulk kicks Thorin's ass in SLOW-MOTION.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: Now to completely repudiate what I said before about killing you personally. Larry the Orc! Go there and murder him on my behalf. In the meantime I will stand here, grimacing ineffectually for unnecessarily long periods of time.
Larry the Orc approaches Thorin, but gets SNEAK ATTACKED for CRITICAL DAMAGE by Arthur Dent Baggins. This kills and baffles Larry the Orc in equal measure.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: I should probably intervene in this somehow.
Dwarves #3, #12 and #13, having extricated themselves from the VERY TALL TREES, charge in and start chopping off orc heads left and right.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: I really think I should intervene in this somehow.
Gandalf: Well, one good spell left, I guess. SUMMON AERIAL DEUS EX MACHINA!
Gwaihir Wind-Lord: *RED-TAILED HAWK SHRIEK OF EPICNESS*
The Largely Interchangeable Dwarves, Gandalf and Arthur Dent Baggins are all suddenly rescued by GREAT EAGLES from OFF-SCREEN.
The Incredible Albino Hulk: Oh, bollocks.
EXT. THE CARROCK, a small stony island jutting out of the RIVER ANDUIN. The GREAT EAGLES land our heroes upon it, and very promptly leave.
Arthur Dent Baggins: I have to hand it out to you, Gandalf, that was made of win.
Gandalf: That, my friend, was nothing less than Gwaihir, ruler of the Great Eagles, called Wind-Lord in Sindarin. Although I call him Greyhound.
Balin: It's a miracle, I must say. Thorin is saved, we're all saved. We seem to be... sort of stuck on this rock, though. This rock that is apparently an island. I'm fairly sure we don't have a boat. And couldn't we have hitched a ride all the way to Erebor? It seems like something the Eagles could've done very easily.
Gandalf: Incidentally, Gwaihir does not like being called "Greyhound". For months on end. After he's asked you to stop. He also does not like pointing. Or laughing. Just for future reference and all. The important thing is we're safe, though, isn't it?
Thorin: Aye, that it is. Arthur Dent Baggins! What were you doing?! You nearly got yourself killed! Did I not say that you would be a burden? That you would not survive in the wild and that you had no place amongst us? By Durin, I...
Arthur Dent Baggins: Thorin, you are terrifying me.
Thorin: Oh. Sorry. I don't know how to emote anything other than "angry". My point is, I was wrong, and I apologise. I angrily apologise.
Arthur Dent Baggins: It's alright, Thorin. In fact, looking at this beautiful scenery, it makes me feel a lot better. The film is over now, but in the end, I got a real story arc. A beginning, a middle, and an end, the whole works. I even got character development! All in all, it's been a tiring, difficult ride, but I came out of it a winner. My character has been level-upped. The circle is complete.
Gandalf: Arthur, we still have two more movies to go.
Arthur Dent Baggins: OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL MOTHERF--