Baa baa.
Nicked with stealthy little Internet ninja powers from dukesnorre's general vicinity.


1. Can you cook?

I'm passably trained in the use of various types of infantry and vehicle mines, explosive traps, and pipe bombs, and could effectively apply them to any chunk of tandoori chicken you might care to give me. Sometimes I also make French toast.

2. What was your dream growing up?

At five years old, my biggest project was teaching myself to read; the extraordinary power and charm of the written word had caught my imagination, and I wanted to learn the alphabet and get with the times.

My ambitions have steadily remained at that general level thereafter. I'm currently at the letter "Q".

3. What talent do you wish you had?

Omnipotence has always intrigued me. It's a difficult skill to master, but all the omnipotent people I've ever been forced to talk to have been marvellous listeners, and their wisdom and general good judgement is legendary. I've always found out that omnipotence grants you appreciation as a witty and sparkling conversationalist even if you never actually respond to anyone. As a natural introvert, I would cherish such an opportunity.

4. Favorite place?

The Marquis de Laplace (1749–1827).

5. Favorite vegetable?

The classical vegetable of choice here would historically be the noble rutabaga, which, after the application of various landmines, explosive traps, and pipe bombs, is generally considered by theorists to be "practically edible", with the caveat that it still doesn't "qualify as food". However, I've always shunned tradition for the sake of tradition; thus my favourite vegetable is currently Jerry Lewis.

6. What was the last book you read?

"The Rosicrucian Enlightenment" by Frances Yates. Turns out I actually have to research things I have to talk in public about.

7. What Zodiac sign are you ?

Splashedy splash. Also, bark bark woof.

8. Any Tattoos and/or Piercings?

Aside from piercing sarcasm, none that I'm aware of, though I'd better check.

9. Worst Habit?

My worst characteristic is my incorrigible excess of awesome. Despite consulting several doctors, I've never found a cure for my incredible awesomeness. I'm so mind-bogglingly awesome, sometimes at night it physically emanates out of me as an amoebic, sticky, shining globule of white light and updates my LiveJournal posing as me. Then it pauses for instructions from the Homeworld.

You know, on second thought I don't think that's awesomeness at all.

10. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

Why yes. Where have you been, my old friend Disembodied Internet Meme Voice?

11. What is your favorite sport?

I am partial to lounging and sleeping in the sunlight. Sometimes I shred things out of spite or eat houseplants.

12. Negative or Optimistic attitude?

I'd hate to say pessimist. Pessimists are, after all, fallen romantics. At the risk of committing an Internet faux-pas, I will declare myself an optimist, on the general logic that I can always find the gentle humour in any situation, particularly if it involves things I already loathe.

(Just so you know, it's a cop-out to say you're "a realist" when they ask you this.)

13. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

I believe accepted etiquette is to pointedly ignore everyone and stare at one's feet, up until the point it becomes obvious the elevator is broken. At this point it becomes problematic -- I don't do small talk, which almost by definition is talk about nothing, which in turn to me has always seemed largely self-defeating.

14. Worst thing to ever happen to you?

This stupid meme.

15. Tell me one weird fact about you.

I'm rather into accents. Many British and American accents are very cute and/or charming, so if you're a native, at least I'm liable to listen to you and enjoy it.

16. Do you have any pets?

I'm always accompanied by 1D6+1 ghost cats. If the Player Characters threaten me with direct violence, they will immediately proceed to do absolutely jack, leaving me to my fate like the little bastards they are.

17. Do you know how to do the macarena?

Never say "macarena" again.

18. What time is it where you are now?

It is Hammer Time.

19. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

Let's see.




Yes, alright. A little from column A, and a little from colum B, then?

20. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

Let's see.




Maybe a spiffy new haircut, I'm thinking. A tweed jacket with some leather patches, or maybe a new worsted wool suit with a nice tie. A white shirt. Good leather shoes.

21. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

People who actually have to live within close proximity of me know I'd be both simultaneously, and that while stupendously entertaining to me personally, it probably wouldn't be a particularly pleasant experience for whichever poor bastard had to go through it.

22. What color eyes do you have?

My eyes, which I assure you are most enchanting, are like unto the sparkling waters of the Kiiminki river -- dim, oozy and viscous, and when you lose yourself in them, a rusty bicycle will pop up from nowhere and tear open your calf.

23. Ever been arrested?

No. The giant laser hidden inside the volcano fortress was a close call, though.

24. Bottle or Draft?

I do not understand your bizarre alien crazy-lingo, stranger.

25. If you won $10,000 dollars today, what would you do with it?

Save and invest, of course. Ten thousand funny-moneys isn't much in the grand scheme of life, but the long-term aim is always and everywhere comfortable living, with a dose of comparative freedom, and every bit helps. One day I intend to become one of those vaguely respectable, well-groomed WASPy types -- actually, I suppose that would technically be a... what, a W? A W-y type? -- whose standard of living allows them to separately haul their massive stomachs around in a convertible car they've bought for that specific purpose. Mine will look like it came straight out of Pimp My Ride, and it will be nuclear-powered.

26. What kind of bubble gum do you prefer to chew?

Never say "bubble gum" again.

27. What 's your favorite bar to hang at?

I don't have a specific favourite, and in general don't take well to drinking establishments. The best individual drink I've tasted lately is still the finely tuned Pernod-Cola they mixed for me in that low-profile, Karaoke-obsessed gay bar downtown. Compounded with the fact that the patrons didn't feel compelled to shout like a plague of screaming maniacs, which is what people usually do, I suppose right at this moment that place gets the top score, even though we were just passing by.

28. Do you believe in ghosts?

It's said the Ghost of Renny Harlin's Career still haunts the abandoned set of Cutthroat Island, wailing and moaning in a horrible, eldritch manner, addressing people as "Geena", and demanding "more action". There was also a ghost sweeping over Europe, but he got a day job at Starbucks and quit.

29. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

Apparently, writing out inane answers to stupid memes.

I regret nothing.

30. Do you swear a lot?

Fuck no.

31. Biggest pet peeve?

This stupid meme.

32. In one word, how would you describe yourself?

What's in a name? That which we call a geek
By any other name would spell as l33t.

33. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

Yes, Disembodied Internet Meme Voice. Yes, I will, and it will be glorious.